It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To.

Lessons on life, love, and grief from my past 26 years of life.

With the strong support system I have I still am able to celebrate my birthday in a way that works for me.

I got the call that my mom died on my 20th birthday. As traumatic as that sounds, it in a way happened in the best way possible - as twisted as that sounds. I was in my college apartment surrounded by my 5 best friends who somehow were all able to spring into action and figure out what to do with their distraught friend when the pre game quickly turned into a traumatic event. We were all still kids unequipped to handle this and they somehow figured it out and kept at it supporting me ever since. 7 years later I still don’t have the words to eloquently describe the impact their support and love has had on me. Maybe by 10 years I will have found the words to explain this. Bottom line female friendships are of utmost importance and truly so special.

Here we are 7 years later on my 27th birthday. The weird thing about grief is sometimes you feel like it’s shrunk down and that you’ve gotten over it, you’re not sad anymore and you are now emotionally enlightened, able to remember memories fondly. Then you are reminded you have just grown around it and it’s still just as big and ugly as it ever was when it comes to visit. It always comes to visit around big events and then this time of year when joy - it’s a double whammy - the anniversary of her death and the fact that I’m one year older. I hate getting older because I spiral about being another year farther away from my memories of her and knowing her in this life. Writing this, I have a pit realizing it's already been 7 years, time is quickly moving away from her life here on earth and I don't want her to be forgotten. I still feel like I am not healed, I won't ever be, but it's hard to not try to add a timeline to your grief. That being said I am lucky enough to have the most amazing people in my life who year after year make my birthday feel special and allow me to celebrate in a way that works for me, celebrating all that I have to be grateful for while giving space to and allowing for my grief.

I have learned a lot in both these past 7 years of living with the crater her death left in me, and also in the 20 years when I learned from her. On my 27th birthday I have decided to dedicate part of my day to reflecting on those life lessons.

1. Aging is an accomplishment and a blessing

   My mom refused to dye her gray hairs and botox wasn't even a remote possibility. “ I earned these” she always proclaimed. And you can still be just as youthful in doing so.

   

2. The importance of female friendships

   As early as I can remember she was over next door at Mrs. Z’s every evening, they were the blueprint of best friends for me. Your girlfriends are always there for you and my best friends champion this.

   

3. … like a girl

   A girl can do anything and do it better. Never rely on a man for everything.

   

4. Pets

   Pets are one of life's greatest joys; their bond is like no other and can truly heal.

   

5. The importance of hobbies.
   I myself am still hard at work learning this. My mom was an avid hobbyist. Painting, gardening, skiing, cycling she hardly stayed still exercising both her body and brain. Bonus lesson: always take the stairs.

Life and grief is messy but it can also be simple. I strive to be happy, but I also miss my mom. They can go hand in hand. I love you mom and I miss you. I still grieve you and always will and thats okay.

Xxx,
Sierra